Boyfriend went on a business trip. Part I is here. Background is here. Oh, and disclaimer: there’s some vulgar language in this post. It’s how we roll.
Now, where were we?
Now, where were we?
Wednesday Texting
Me: How is your breakfast today
Boyfriend: Fine. Apparently I’m in a motivational plenary. Holyjesusfuckingshit. [Boyfriend really didn’t enjoy the conference]
Me: Whaaaat? Are they telling you to be the best you can be?
Boyfriend: No
Later that evening
Boyfriend: Hmmm sluts in hotel bar!
Me: No! What!! NOOOOO
STAY AWAY!!!!
Boyfriend: Can’t I just try. Would be good for my self esteem
ME: NO!!!!! |
| Seriously, fuck everyone |
Boyfriend: Sluts gone
Me: Yaaay
Boyfriend: Booo
Me: They were prob voodoo zombie sluts
Boyfriend: Prob
15 minutes later
Boyfriend: Holy crap
Me: ???
Boyfriend: Super slut at the restaurant
Me: NO!!!! Stay awaaaay! Is she with someone?
Boyfriend: Remember I have no game
Me: Yes you doooo
Boyfriend: Nope
Me: How’s your food [clearly trying to distract him]
Boyfriend: Salad just came
She’s a teacher
Me: What???
HOW COULD YOU KNOW THAT
Boyfriend: Heard her talking to the bartender. Small place.
Me: You are too close! Too close!!
This is how it probably looked like:
This is what I imagined:
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| Clicky to make bigger. |
Boyfriend: Across the room for duck sake. She has no apparent daddy issues. [Autocorrected again]
Me: Good. To both those things.
Boyfriend: Great wine and steak
She’s leaving
Me: Woo!!
Boyfriend: Sad
No good
I’m old. I should be trying lots of strange pussy. Pussy pussy pussy
Me: What?? No!!!
You should be happy with your good young pussy!
Boyfriend: CRAZY young pussy
Me: the best kind
Boyfriend: glurf
And then Boyfriend went back to his hotel room and we facetimed and I think he’s feeling old lately because he made jokes about how when he dies, I could blog about him dying for like “a whole week.” (“Best decomposing boyfriend ever!”) This obviously made me super sad because that’s not cool to think about because he’s totally not that old and seriously I will start to cry if we keep talking about this.
ANYWAYS, we also discussed how he thinks I’m a jinx when he golfs because if I text him while he’s playing, his game goes to shit. I think he’s crazy, but I also wanted to pump up him self esteem a bit (Lord knows its not fun when mine is low), so I made him this:
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| clicky to read |
Luckily, Boyfriend came back in one piece on Thursday, and he and I had a fantastic date on Friday.
Although, if you DON’T want your boyfriend to talk in a southern accent all night long (when it’s not evolving into his elderly man impersonation or his George Bush impersonation), maybe don’t watch The Help together. Just a suggestion.
I wonder how much it would cost to get a trophy engraved with all that. Would it be worth it for a hilarious joke?
ReplyDeleteSee, he came home zombie voodoo slut disease free. Despite his intentions to make you jealous because it's funny, he gets super extra double bonus boyfriend points for fidelity.
And I know it sucks to think about because it's sad, but a "Best decomposing boyfriend ever" post would be hilarious.
Boyfriend can't be that much older than you are. He doesn't have gray hair. Gray hair is awesome by the way. And then it gets in their facial hair and they get all grizzled and silvery on the weekend like mature male models in GQ ads for viagra.
ReplyDeleteHOTT!
Wait. What were we talking about again?
i would be mad about him texting about the chicks! i wouldn't wanna know that and just blissfully think he was thinking of me the whole time ;)
ReplyDeletethis is pretty funny.
ReplyDeleteThose sluts sure do have a lot of cleavage! Glad he's back where he belongs.
ReplyDeleteThat trophy is hilarious, you two must be quite the couple.
ReplyDeleteGlad he made it home safe Gia. And disease-free to boot! ;)
ReplyDeleteCool blog looks like you put a lot of effort into these definitely following !
ReplyDeleteJust to be safe I think next time you should put a male chastity belt on him ;-)
ReplyDeleteIsn't it too early to know whether or not he's actually disease free?
ReplyDelete:)
Haha I love your back-and-forth texts, insightful to say the least.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad he made it home safe and slut free. He obviously loves his crazy girlfriend.
ReplyDeleteYour relationship is awesome!!!! I would be so pissed if my [nonexistent] boyfriend talks about him looking at sluts!! :)
ReplyDeleteNext time pack your bags too along with him to all business trips.
ReplyDeleteHaha. This post made me Facetime with an old, older boyfriend. He's good now with a new girlfriend around his age. He's only old cuz he's older than my mom :p
ReplyDeleteThe best part about this post is that, in the picture of boyfriend surrounded by sluts, he is gazing directly at the chest of the slut in the red dress.
ReplyDeleteThat picture is spot on.
In one sense, I'm sad that boyfriend made it home without being savaged by voodoo zombie sluts. That would have been such a hysterical blog, you talking about how he "tried to fight them off". Personally, though I have travelled on work quite a bit, I've never run into a slut, let alone a voodoo zombie slut, to say nothing of the plural. A best I got a kind of slutty waitress hoping for a big tip.
ReplyDeleteThere's so many guys skiing so fast right now that you really have to be willing to take a lot of risks if you want to give yourself a chance to win. I'm prepared to do it; it's just a matter of if I can make it work.
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