Boyfriend went on a business trip. Part I is here. Background is here. Oh, and disclaimer: there’s some vulgar language in this post. It’s how we roll.
Now, where were we?
Now, where were we?
Me: How is your breakfast todayBoyfriend: Fine. Apparently I’m in a motivational plenary. Holyjesusfuckingshit. [Boyfriend really didn’t enjoy the conference]
Me: Whaaaat? Are they telling you to be the best you can be?
Later that evening
Boyfriend: Hmmm sluts in hotel bar!
Me: No! What!! NOOOOO
Boyfriend: Can’t I just try. Would be good for my self esteemME: NO!!!!!
|Seriously, fuck everyone|
Boyfriend: Sluts gone
Me: They were prob voodoo zombie sluts
15 minutes later
Boyfriend: Holy crap
Boyfriend: Super slut at the restaurant
Me: NO!!!! Stay awaaaay! Is she with someone?
Boyfriend: Remember I have no game
Me: Yes you doooo
Me: How’s your food [clearly trying to distract him]
Boyfriend: Salad just came
She’s a teacher
HOW COULD YOU KNOW THAT
Boyfriend: Heard her talking to the bartender. Small place.
Me: You are too close! Too close!!
This is how it probably looked like:
This is what I imagined:
|Clicky to make bigger.|
Boyfriend: Across the room for duck sake. She has no apparent daddy issues. [Autocorrected again]
Me: Good. To both those things.
Boyfriend: Great wine and steak
No goodI’m old. I should be trying lots of strange pussy. Pussy pussy pussy
Me: What?? No!!!
You should be happy with your good young pussy!
Boyfriend: CRAZY young pussy
Me: the best kind
And then Boyfriend went back to his hotel room and we facetimed and I think he’s feeling old lately because he made jokes about how when he dies, I could blog about him dying for like “a whole week.” (“Best decomposing boyfriend ever!”) This obviously made me super sad because that’s not cool to think about because he’s totally not that old and seriously I will start to cry if we keep talking about this.
ANYWAYS, we also discussed how he thinks I’m a jinx when he golfs because if I text him while he’s playing, his game goes to shit. I think he’s crazy, but I also wanted to pump up him self esteem a bit (Lord knows its not fun when mine is low), so I made him this:
|clicky to read|
Luckily, Boyfriend came back in one piece on Thursday, and he and I had a fantastic date on Friday.
Although, if you DON’T want your boyfriend to talk in a southern accent all night long (when it’s not evolving into his elderly man impersonation or his George Bush impersonation), maybe don’t watch The Help together. Just a suggestion.