Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Gia’s Childhood Flashback: Hair Freak


So, while I was home last weekend, I found a copy of an old poem I wrote (in third or fourth grade). It was about my sister. It was called “hair freak.” Here I present it to you in its unedited entirety:

Hair Freak

My sister is a hair freak
She brushes night and day
My sister is a hair freak
She is in every way

She brushes in the cold or hot
She brushes in a parking lot
She brushes if there’s a knock on the door
She brushes if she’s been on the floor

Every time we go to a store
She brushes like she’s never done before

I know its true
No matter what I say or do
My sister is a hair freak.

You’re probably thinking “What the fuck?!?” and I don’t blame you.  You are probably also thinking “Don’t quit your day job to become a poet, this is shit” and to that I say, “Give me a break I was MAYBE ten years old.” You’d probably say something like, “Still. You have no talent” and I’d maybe cry a little because seriously why do you have to be so mean?

Anyway, my sister is 4 years older than me, and when she was in middle school, she was OBSESSED with brushing her hair. This poem was pretty much a spot on description: before, during, and after shopping. If her friend was coming over. If she was doing any kind of activity at all. When she woke up. When she went to bed. All the fucking time.

It was SO annoying to me for primarily 2 reasons:
1. As a ten year old, who wants to constantly wait for their sister to finish primping before doing anything? Oh, we can’t get out the car yet, Sister is brushing her hair. Can’t open the door to greet guest yet, Sis needs to finish brushing her hair. Can’t have any ice cream, Gia, sister is brushing her hair. (Ok, maybe I made that one up.) Still.

2. She sheds like a dog! Hair went EVERYWHERE all the time. Her bathroom looks like Cousin Itt just bathed in her sink. My childhood was spent like this:

This is why I never brush my hair.


Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Wine Lessons That I Should Not Have to Teach My Mom and Older Sister Yet Here We Are


So, I’ve gradually been introducing my mom and sister to the concept of drinking wine on special occasions/holidays. A few days ago my mom said she picked up a bottle of the Sutter Home Pinot Grigio that I like love (seriously. Liquid gold.) for Thanksgiving. I pointed out that one bottle of wine may not be enough for 8 adults, she added that she got a bottle of red too. I know you’re thinking that two bottles are not nearly enough for that many people, but most don’t drink, so it’s actually plenty for one day.

So, as soon as I came home on Thanksgiving I checked out the wine, and saw that my mom purchased the pinot grigio and a bottle of Sutter Home white zinfandel.

Lesson One:


Um, okay. I ran out to the liquor store (luckily there’s one within a three minute drive) and got a Pinot Noir. Because I wanted red wine, and although I don’t like hating on any wine, I really can’t stand white zin.

When I came back, my mom looked at it and said “Should I put it in the fridge?”

Lesson Two:

Kitty likes to lounge on top of the fridge.
 
[I know you wine connoisseurs may say that some red can be slightly chilled, but cut me a break. We’re buying 5.95 bottles of wine here – we are not talking about fancy wine. And my mom isn't asking that because she read it in the latest Wine Digest, she's asking because "I like my drinks cold."]

My sister came in a few minutes later, saw the bottle, and asked what it was, and said “I thought that wine was lighter.”
Me: What? No, it’s red.
Her: I thought the pinot was white.
Me: You mean pinot grigio, like in the fridge? This is pinot NOIR.
Her: There’s a difference?
Me: *facepalm *

Lesson Three:
I know they both start with "Pinot" but COME ON.

The fun does not end there. When it came time to pour the wine, my mother, sister, and cousin all asked for either the grigio or white zin. Ok. Then, they all proceeded to ASK FOR ICE IN THEIR GLASSES. EVEN THOUGH THE WINE WAS PERFECTLY CHILLED.

Lesson Four:

I made them get their own ice. I refuse to be part of the travesty. 

Honestly you guys, this whole thing is stressing me out. Remember how I used to have wine dreams? Now they’re wInE NiGhTmArEs (ahhhhhh!!!!!).
Subtle Difference

Seriously. I can't wait to go pour myself a glass of appropriate chilled but ice free pinot grigio. If you need me tonight, I’ll be drunk tweeting.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Thanksgiving Hangover


[Note: Hey guys, I tweet now! Look me up yo. There should be a button around -----> somewhere]

So, my last post was kind of weird, huh? Was it too much too soon? You know, kind of like when you’re with someone in bed and all of a sudden they bring out the gerbil or the DIY chainsaw sex toy and you’re like, “Whoa whoa whoa bud, too much too soon.” What I’m trying to say is, I hope my blog doesn’t rape you. The only person I enjoy sexually assaulting is Boyfriend. And, I'm not gonna lie, this post is pretty offensive as well. I hope your sarcasm radar is working well.

 
Anyhoo, I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving, with too much eating and drinking and fighting with relatives and reliving flashbacks where you accidentally spent some alone time with creepy uncle that your mom told you NEVER to spend alone time with. (HOLY SHIT I am inappropriate this morning.)

I went home to hang out with my parents, sister, and uncle’s family on Thanksgiving. (Not that uncle.) (I didn’t actually have an uncle like that.) (Is that one of those things that you can only joke about if you’ve been victimized by it? I’d hate to be insensitive.)(And now we’ve gone into an even weirder place).

Tomorrow, I’m going to go over some very important lessons I had to teach my family regarding appropriate wine consumption. Today, however, I will summarize the entire day through the some of the text messaging between Boyfriend and I.

Morning
Me: I’m soo tiired. How’s your turkey cooking?
Boyfriend: Eating later so haven’t put it in yet.
Me: Don’t put it in a deep fryer. That can cause fires. William Shatner told me. [<---- this is good advice. F’realsies].

A few minutes later:
Me: My mom said she got red wine but she meant a big bottle of white zinfandel. At liquor store now.
Boyfriend: How’s the trailer? [Boyfriend likes to tease that we’re low-class Italians and should have our own reality show. FTR, I did not grow up in a trailer. Not that there's anything wrong with trailers. But we have nice things, damnit!!]
Me: My mom tried to put the red in the fridge and everyone is putting ice in their wine. I give up.

Later in the day, after company left
Me: How’s it going?
Boyfriend: Food baby.
Me: Mine is named Carli (yes, with an i).


Me: Sis is insisting on sitting right next to me so I can’t draw for the blog and she’s making me watch Ellen with the cast of Twilight on. [That really happened. I swear. She's almost 28.]
Boyfriend: That sounds fun for a 12 year old. Blog fodder [oh, how right you are!]
Me: Whew. She left. Finally got some alone time.

A minute later
Me: NM. My mom came down and sat in that exact same spot next to me. [Don’t get me wrong.  I love my mom. But my soul was breaking right about here]
Boyfriend: You can show her the Thanksgiving picture of me. [I'll show you it in a minute, dear reader(s).]
Me: It has the F word on it, dear. The F word!!!
Boyfriend: Is that bad?
Me: Super bad. Even the Bible says so. Or the Pope. Or something. [Side note: I was guilted into went to Church this weekend. At one point we prayed for "People with cancer or AIDS." AIDS? Seriously? What, is it 1985 again and no one told me? Or is that just the church's way of praying for the gays? PS in case you're wondering, I'm allowed to be this critical of the church because I'm technically Catholic. So there.]
Boyfriend: Fuck all that shit.
Me: Whoa whoa whoa throwing the sh bomb in there too? Even Gropey the Priest won’t go that far. [Again, this joke is okay because I'm Catholic]
Boyfriend: The Pope can suck my balls.
Me:  Hey he was a member of the Hitler youth. Maybe he’s an x man too! [Side note: Boyfriend and I watched X-Men First Class the night before]
Boyfriend: Is sucking my balls his super power?
Me: …maybe?

So yeah, those are the main points. Like I said, I’ll vent more about wine tomorrow. Oh, how was Boyfriend’s Thanksgiving, you ask? Well, I drew this:


So, there’s that.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Allie’s Love Triangle: Of Ducks and Geese


So, Allie had quite the weekend with Boyfriend and me at Seaside Town.  She wasted no time in starting to party, and investigating her surroundings: mainly, a plastic duck and wooden goose. And things got FREAKY from there.  Sure, I don’t know exactly what they were thinking, but I’m going to pretend I do. In fact, I’ve written a short play about it.  Presenting:  
 
Cold Blooded Love
A Play in One Act

[Warning: this play is filled with images of sweet, sweet gator love. Done in an explicit yet beautiful way. A plastic duck and wooden goose are involved. Okay, maybe they don’t have genitalia, but you can use your imagination. Also, there are adult themes.]

Characters:
Allie, the alligator
Goose, the goose
Ducky, the duck
Gia,  Allie's owner

Setting: House in Seaside Town
 
Prologue:
Allie: Seaside town? HELLLZ YEAH! Time to get my party on!
 
/end scene

Scene I: It Begins
[Allie spots wooden goose and leaps on it.]


Goose: Oh my!
Allie: Why, hello there, you sexy goose.
Goose:  Do I…do I know you?
Allie: You’re about to. Shake those tailfeathers baby! [looks up] Hey…who is that?
Goose: That’s ducky. He’s real friendly.
Ducky: Heeeeeyy sexy lady! Wazzzzzzaaap?
Allie: ….seriously?
Ducky: You from around here?
Allie: Nope. Just visiting for the weekend. Getting to know Goose right now.
Ducky: God that’s hot.
Allie: Good, because voyeurism is my second favorite fetish (next to autoerotic asphyxiation).  Watch this:
Bam! Bam! Bam!

Allie: YEAHHHHH I'M A WILD GATOR!!

[Allie stops, looks at Ducky. Ducky looks back]



Allie: Ducky, I’m…I’m so drawn to you.
Ducky: I’ve never felt like this before.
Allie: I must…have…you….. 
/end scene

Scene II: The Betrayal


[Cue music: Can you feel the looove tonight?]


Goose: What the fuck? You’re a whore, Allie.
Allie: I’M NOT A WHORE I JUST HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM SO BACK THE HELL OFF, OKAY??
Goose: [whispering] whore
Allie: Ducky, come here…just come a little closer. Aha!

Gia: Allie!! What are you doing!
Allie: Ducky likes autoerotic asphyxiation too?
Gia: Allie….
Allie: What?
Gia: Drop iiiiit..
Allie: No.
Gia: Drop it!
Allie: RAWR!
Gia: Drop ducky and I’ll give you a cookie.
Allie: [drops ducky] Gia, you bitch. You know I can’t turn down cookies. Especially not after the aforementioned weed.
Gia: We’re gonna talk about your language later, Allie.
/end scene


Scene III: The Confrontation
Ducky: [laughs nervously while rubbing neck]  uhh, that was fun, Allie.
Allie: I’m pure danger, wrapped in sexy.
Ducky: God that’s hot.
Goose: Hey, fuck BOTH of you. Ducky, Allie’s just here for the weekend. I thought you and I had something special. How could you let a reptile come between us birds?
Allie: Whoa whoa whoa, why’d you have to go there, goose?
Goose: I’m just saying…
Allie: It’s 2011, Goose. I thought we moved past this kind of discrimination.
Goose: Hey, one of my best friends is a reptile. I’m cool, I’m cool.
Allie: Whatever.
/end scene
 
Scene IV: Reunited, and It Feels So Good
Ducky: Goose, you said you wanted an open relationship too.
Goose: I, I do. It’s just that…. I was feeling rather ignored.  [sniffles]
Ducky: Oh Goose, how could I ever ignore you? You’re a whole lotta bird to love. Allie’s just a new sexy gator. You have my heart.
Goose: Oh Ducky! I love you too!
/end scene

Scene V: Breaking Point
Allie: [sobbing] I can see I’m not wanted here. [climbs on table] No one loves me, I might as well be dead. I’m just going to do it. I’m going to bite the bullet and do it…

Gia: ALLIE! What are you doing with Boyfriend’s ammo??
Allie: [hysterically crying] I’m going to kill myself, see? I’M BITING THE BULLET.
Gia: Um, you know you’re not going to die by literally biting a bullet, right?
Allie: [sniffling, trying to regain composure.] Um, I did not.
Gia: it’s just a phrase.
Allie: [muttering] A stupid phrase.
Gia: Not stupid!
Allie: What does it mean, then?
Gia: Well, it’s an old phrase from back when… See, back in the day, people…bullets are complicated things- you know what, it doesn’t matter, Allie. It just is.
Allie: Whatever, brainiac. Where does Boyfriend keep his gun?
Gia: Boyfriend’s REGISTERED gun is in the bedroom. In a special case I’m sure you won’t be able to open without thumbs.
Allie: Why is it there?
Gia: To protect me from the demons! I mean, intruders. ….and demons.
Allie: …
Gia: Shut up.
Allie: ….
Gia:  Wow you’re really judgmental for someone who was about to kill herself. Um, why were you trying to kill yourself, anyway?
Allie: See, I met Goose…and Ducky… and they liked me but then they rejected me andnowi’mallALLOOONNNEEE. [starts sobbing again]
Goose: Allie! [pauses dramatically] No. You’re not.
/end scene

Scene VI: Climax (pun intended)
Allie: What did you say, Goose?
Goose: You’re not alone, Allie.
Ducky: We like you Allie. Sure, you’re a bit fumbly but you’re super enthusiastic and you try real hard.
Goose: My jealousy is an issue stemming from my childhood. I grew up with a swan. Fucker got allll the attention.
Ducky: God, childhood issues are hot. Damnit, I don’t want to have to choose between you two!
Allie: Hey guys, no need to choose! There’s plenty of gator to go around! In fact, I have an idea…
[Allie whispers something to Goose and Ducky]
Goose: Hell yeah!
Ducky: Did someone turn on the heat because IT IS GETTING HOT IN HERE.
Gia: Actually, Boyfriend and I just got the heat working...
Allie: [hissing to Gia] Stop s-MOTHERING me, woman! I’m about to get lucky!
Gia: Gross.  [walks away]
Allie: Now where were we??
[sexy threesome party ensues]


fin.

You're welcome. And/or, I'm sorry. 

On another note, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! Here, I drew this for you:

Tom the Turkey says, "Try not to think of me when you're eating my slaughtered friends! Gobble gobble!"

 Enjoy!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I Wish They Sold DIY Lasik Kits


Like many people, I wear glasses/contacts. I’ve had them since fourth grade. 
Little Gia - I look normal enough, eh?
Unlike most others, my glasses are INCREDIBLY STRONG vision is atrocious and I cannot see a thing without them. Like, if someone has 20/20 vision, something that is 20 feet away LOOKS 20 feet away. My uncorrected vision is approximately 20/650. Something that is 20 feet away looks 650 feet away to me.

Sexy Blurry Boyfriend
 So, I don’t just need my glasses to drive, I need them to function on a daily basis.

Whoops. More eyeball poking
And, like the 99% of the population, I’m pretty poor right now. I’ve spent the past 6 or 7 years without eyecare insurance.  This isn’t incredibly unusual, I know. But it meant I go to the eye doc at Walmart. One step up from that guy with the van in the back of the parking lot who offered me discounted lasik. Lasermobile? No thanks, ax murderer. I won’t have you harvesting my eyeballs for your weird doll collection.
Also known as Rapemobile 3000.
I’m lucky in the fact that my prescription hasn’t changed since high school. But that means I’ve had the same $20 WalMart frames and lenses. The bad thing is that coating on the lenses is all chippy and whatnot. Day to day, this doesn’t bother me.  But at night, it creates giant halos.

 
Why am I bringing this up now? Because we recently had Daylight Savings

AKA the worst time of the year for me.

See, I work til 5pm. And from March-October, this isn’t a problem. I can wear glasses to work, hop in my car, do some highway merging, and get home no problem. However,  wearing contacts for 8 straight hours of looking at a computer gives me headaches, probably because I have the vision of a bat.
Is that a swarm of gnats or some woman's hair? Probably gnats. Better go swoop into it.
Once darkness hits, all bets are off. All I see are bright lights coming at me and I have no idea what lane anyone is in. It’s like driving with a granny:

[Cut me a break. I can't draw cars.]
Except I’m not senile, so it’s FUCKING TERRIFYING.

My current solution has been to suck it up and wear my contacts. Sure, it causes headaches and my eyes hurt and it makes me miserable, but at least I’ve managed to get myself home in one piece so far.

However, my current job provides eye insurance. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

So mark it in your calendars, kiddies. Tuesday, December 6th. Gia has an eye doctor appointment! She’s going to get brand spankin’ new glasses!

[Yes, Gia may find out that the night driving issue is due to her bad vision and not her shitty glasses and even brand new glasses won’t fix it, but let’s not rain on her parade, shall we?]

FYI, I’m also going to inquire about lasik surgery. Sure, I won’t be able to afford it for a few years and sure, Boyfriend says its like being in A Clockwork Orange, but hey, a girl can dream, can’t she?


Monday, November 21, 2011

Home Improvements

So, I spent the weekend with Boyfriend in his house at Seaside Town. He was planning on periodically renting out the vacation home over the summer, but someone contacted him about renting over Thanksgiving. He said sure, but there was a crap ton of stuff we had to do to get the house ready. It was a Home Improvement Weekend!

Boyfriend is very handy. I, in fact, am not. So through trial and error, I’ve come up with this uber helpful list of dos and don’t for helping one’s boyfriend make home repairs.

DO put things together.

Boyfriend bought this shelving unit that consisted of putting tubes in holes and sticking the shelves on top. No screws, no nails. Like playing with large tinker toys. I ROCKED that assembly.

I made those.

DON’T pretend to violate Boyfriend as he’s working on the garbage disposal under the kitchen sink. He will not appreciate it. No matter how sexy he looks.
*singing* that's the way uh huh uh huh I liiiike it uh huh uh huh
DO be morally supportive when Boyfriend must make 4th trip to Lowes. He WILL be cranky and/or disgruntled. 
I recommend pom poms.
If Boyfriend starts yelling at his podcast about taxes while he’s already cursing at the garbage disposal, DON’T interrupt. It probably won’t end well for you.

If Boyfriend is trying to figure out which circuit breaker switch controls the electricity in a room and asks you to let him know when the lights go out, DO tell him the truth. Mild electrocution is never funny.



Lastly, DON’T be distracted by taking pictures of Allie doing filthy things to his bird statues. Remember, you’re here to help Boyfriend!

(Don’t worry guys, you’ll get an update on her shenanigans soon).

Friday, November 18, 2011

A Short Friday Post Because I’m Drinking Rather Quickly on Thursday Night


Wow this week was long. I’m working on a post about the Wooing of Boyfriend, but I had to work late tonight and I have to pack and I’m drinking so it just ain’t happening tonight. However, there are two important things I need to go over:

1. I WAS RIGHT.
Remember that time I was right about the snow? And I created that picture that said I was right and stated how I wanted to use it as often as possible? Well, guess what, I WAS RIGHT AGAIN.

This time, it was about the movie Red State. Boyfriend and I both aren’t really a fan of horror/torture movies. But he listened to a bunch of podcases about it and said it was on Netflix and he wanted to watch it. The following convo took place:

Boyfriend: Do you wanna watch it with me or should I watch it by myself?
Me: Umm…. [trying to be the coolest girlfriend ever but also knowing I’m a wuss] maybe?
Boyfriend: Are you scared?
Me: No! Ummm…I kinda wanna see it.
Boyfriend: You don’t have to look during any bad parts.
Me: Yeah, and we’re not watching it on a big screen. Just my tiny laptop
Boyfriend: It’ll be fine.
Me: [the coolest girlfriend in the whole wide world] Okay

Famous frickin’ last words. We watched it Wed night, and that shit was fucked up! I mean the whole thing got pretty bloody, but there was one particularly awful scene that stayed with us the rest of night (its hard to be Sex Goddess when it keeps popping in your head). I won’t tell you the ending, but if you want some advice, then SPOILER ALERT [highlight to read]: Don’t get invested in any of the characters. Anyone. Seriously. Also, stay away from saran wrap.

Anyway, it left Boyfriend pretty disturbed too. So THERE! I was RIGHT! It was a terrible idea to watch this movie.  Sure, I didn’t say “It’s a terrible idea to watch this movie,” but Boyfriend could sense my reluctance. Unfortunately, instead of being like this:

I’m more like this:
Goodbye, innocence.
2. I’m going to seaside town with Boyfriend this weekend! YAAAAY! Allie’s coming too. She’s been feeling a bit insecure after those things imaginary reader was saying about her, so I decided to bring her along this time. I hope the witch doesn’t find us.

Ok, it’s time to drink and pack and hope I don’t forget clean socks and underwear and deodorant because I did too much drinking before packing. Have a great weekend everyone!!