So there’s a new girl at work. And I hate her. Because she’s nice and SUPER HOT. I can’t openly hate her (because of the nice thing), but I secretly super hate her. Thankfully, she’s a temp, but I don’t know how long she’s going to be around. Boyfriend enjoys torturing me about her. See the following texting:
Me: Bleh work bleh
Boyfriend: NewGirl mmmmm
Me: Rawr I hate her!!!
Boyfriend: Why? She’s perfect
Boyfriend: and engaged [Right. Even though she’s engaged, I still hate her. I am aware how crazy this makes me.]
Me: Thank. Goodness.
Or else shit was gonna go down. [It actually gets hard sometimes for me to remember that I have to be nice to her in real life, because she's nice and never actually did anything to me nor has she made a move on Boyfriend. YET.]
Boyfriend: Not fair
Me: <Two angry faces>
Boyfriend: I’m whacking it to her anyway
Boyfriend: What. She looks very flexible.
Me: Her vagina has teeth
Boyfriend: Soft and tight I think
Me: Like a hedgehog
Or a venus fly trap
Boyfriend: She can trap my fly anytime
Me: She’ll make your penis bleed
Me: I think you mean “ick that sounds awful” no?
Boyfriend: I think I could fuck her hard enough that the engagement ring would fall to the floor
Me: NO IT’S ON THERE PRETTY TIGHT
Do you have a boner right now
I’m gonna be so mad if you have a boner right now
Me: …I’m half really angry
Boyfriend: She’s nice and proper. She’d never let me do anything REALLY filthy to her.
Me: Right so she’s the worst
Boyfriend: But super gorgeous
A few minutes later
Me: Were you trying to distract me from useless mcgee anger by bringing up newgirl?
Boyfriend: No just general torturing
Me: Were you masturbating just now?!?!?
Boyfriend: Yes she’s pretty
Calm down crazy legs
Me: Aww you were masturbating? Really?
Boyfriend: No stupid. You’ve gone off the deep end.
This is another one of those situations where in reality it looks like this:
But what I see is this: